Doors closing

Today, an ode to public transportation.

I, for one, love public transportation. I love it because when I was a kid, I loved riding the bus. I love it because every time I ride on public transport, and look around at my fellow riders, visions of green fields filled with yellow flowers and future children and animals skipping happily through them float through my brain--every one of us on that bus or train is saving that much of our little planet from destruction. Or maybe just prolonging it.

I walk to and from the metro to get to work. Even when it's freezing. Even when it's raining. Even when it's so hot and humid outside that by the time I get home I might as well stick myself into the drier, put in a couple of quarters, and tumble dry till all dry and fluffy.
Before I lived within walking distance of the metro (and yes, 1 mile is walking distance--just don't wear heels), I would drive my car to the metro and then ride it into work. I also made my dad buy a prius. But that's a different story...

But I gotta tell you--as much as I love the metro, most of the time I JUST CAN"T STAND the people who ride it. As I waited for 15 minutes this morning while 3 trains with sardines formally known as people went by me, I made a mental list of all the people on the metro that I just can't stand.

First of all, all of you who bough that bohemoth of an "off-road vehicle" just so you could drive your little herd of children around, or because you had dreams that one day you would actually not work 90 hour weeks, go down to your local LLBean, buy a kayak, strap it to the top of your car, and drive to one of those places they show in the commercials where people are kayaking down some river and their car is beautifully parked on the river bank. Or maybe you are just an asshole who needs to block everyone's view in traffic, take the turns way too fast for a car that sits too high. Whatever the case, whatever the reason you bought that car, you are sooooooooo feeling the pain now.

Isn't it nice going to the gas station and watching as your bill climbs way past $60? I am not even going to start on the politics of this whole thing, but let's just say that after a couple of months your pocket sure felt the burn.

So now you've suddenly discovered the entrance to the metro station that is only 2 blocks from you lux apartment. And you've also discovered that your office is only two blocks from another metro entrance. How convenient, hmm?

And there you are in the morning, mr. entitled, using the metro. I have to say, part of me is so very happy that people everywhere are leaving their keys to their SUVs at home and discovering public transport. But for heaven's sake, have some manners damn it!

First of all, you are in no more a hurry than the rest of us. Running for dear life from the top of the escalator because you see the train coming is not going to save you. Carless, you now take on the personality of your SUV, ramming everyone in your way. Look, if two minutes are going to make that big a difference in your day, leave earlier.

Also, figure out how to use the ticket booths before you try to go through them. With streams of humanity trying to get to work in the morning, you stand there, ticket in hand, putting it in and out of the machine, bewildered. Hey, I know it can be confusing, but take some time to figure it out before you get there.

A metro door is not like an elevator. Just because you stick your foot into it does not mean it will magically woosh open. Just a thought.

The above two points also apply to tourists. How I hate you.
I know that you guys packed up maw, paw, the entire family, saved all year, and came to DC to see the sights and sounds of the nation's capital. I can respect that. Good for you for wanting to get to know your government.

You know what's not so good? Getting on the metro in the morning, with your 6 screaming brats, 5 strollers, 15 backpacks, and 19 family members. I know you think that unlike every other person to ever visit this area, if only you get up early enough you will in fact see all 9 million museums, monuments, national treasures, etc, in the 6 days you have allowed yourself for vacation. You won't, ok? So do those of us who are not actually on vacation and are using the metro to get to work, and start your day after rush hour. It is mean and cruel to subject those of us who are half awake to your screaming children, to you trying to wedge your 5 strollers into a packed train, to you screaming to your spouse across the train about which stop you should get off at, to you standing in the middle of the platform creating a traffic jam while you figure out where you're at.

We are all happy you came to visit, but please be nice and be a good guest.

Even regular metro riders can be pains in the posterior. We've all seen them--the women with 3 purpses, 2 briefcases, and 7 pairs of shoes tied to their various forms of luggage. Please explain to me why you need so much luggage to basically leave your house, go to your office, and then go home? Fine, you can have the purse, the laptop bag, the briefcase, but come on now. Do you have some weird delussions of being Mary Poppins? Are you secretly trying to hide a lamp and lampshade in all those bags? If I eat my medicine will you pull a canary with a cage out of that bag? There are already too many people on the train, please leave your "emergency" make-up bag at home.


Despite all this, I love the metro. I love the bus. I love knowing that even when my face in the armpit of an individual who became obesely overweight about 500 pounds ago, and there is a stroller wheel on my new shoe, and I can hear "Jenny from the block" from someone's headphones on the other side of the train, that all these people are at least not driving somewhere.